Beale Street Is Now 100% Snake-Free!

Tourist Processing Facility 38c

We think this best captures the spirit of Graceland.

You Can't Spell 'Mbembphisq' Without BBQ

Payne's Bar-B-Q on Lamar gets the five-beret award for barbecue pork sandwiches. This is real good and real cheap. Two huge chopped porks and a bowl of beans went for $8. There's no heat in this converted garage, so most of the patrons were chowing down in their cars.

If we could give more than five berets to Central BBQ, we would. Their ribs are amazing and worth the drive from Iowa even if the guy at the counter thinks we chose a poor road trip destination.

Drink At Joe's

If anyone has any tips on how to rotate this video, we're listening. This was the loveliest sight we found in Memphis.

How Many E's Does It Take To Spell 'Mississippi'?

Did you know that Mississippi has only two bookmobiles for the entire state?

Welcome To Mississippi, Land Of Enticement

Crossing the Mississippi state line on Highway 61, we met this guy welcoming us to (a.) gamble, (b.) purchase fireworks, or (c.) see some dancers. We weren't sure which one, but he seemed nice enough so we bet on whether or not we could get away with firecrackers in the dance club. We could not. K won the wager.

Do The Funky Chicken

There are a few things that Memphis, Tennessee has in abundance. Recording studios would be one. Sun and Royal are still standing, but Stax was torn down in a blazing feat of historic ignorance. Realizing their civic mistake, they rebuilt the studio in the location. While not quite the same thing, it's a pretty lively museum that suffers from the usual read-a-sign, move-to-the-next problem. Worth a visit just to see the Rufus Thomas 'Funkiest Man Alive' sweatshirt on display.

Dining In Utah

In no particular order, we'll run through some of the surprisingly good dining establishments we found in our tour of southern Utah. We're not too sure how to define 'Utah cuisine' and expected to find a lot of frozen pizzas and pasta-alla-Boy-Ar-Dee. We were wrong!

Above is Zion Pizza & Noodle - the best joint in Springdale. Green chile as pizza topping! Chocolate Confusion cake! And the staff seemed happy to be working there.

The Kiva Koffehouse is not well-pictured here -- you'll get a better idea of how niftily built it is on their website. We had a tasty, solid breakfast here and a better than we expected dinner of turkey and potatoes and chicken enchiladas along with some absolutely yummy breads. And more dessert.

Here are a few things overheard at the Kiva:
"Which table can we view petroglyphs from?"
". . . as the oppressors."
"This is the year I'm going to make an effort to enjoy hearty soups."

Okay, we didn't get a meal at The Trailhead Cafe, but we did enjoy a raspberry muffin.

Georgie's Cafe is a Mexican restaurant in Escalante that looks like somebody's house. Their chicken enchiladas were better than the Kiva's. And, as we said before, the food here is overall better than you would expect -- and tastier than the better known Bit & Spur in Springdale. You can sit on a big drum if you like.

Escalante Outfitters has something for everyone. Pizza, espresso, hiking boots, whiskey, quad maps, head lamps, salads, wireless internet, lodging, books, floppy hats, carabiners, magazines, camping stoves, and berry cobbler. The pizza here is, again, better than you would expect. Good crust. Just the right amount of cheese. And no backtalk.

Cowboy Blues looks a lot like many mediocre to terrible midwestern restauraunts that have too extensive menus and really bland food. But! The steaks are amazingly good! And huge! And they had fresh bumbleberry pie! They're having a Halloween buffet. You should go.

The New York Times and other foodie literati have raved about Boulder's Hell's Backbone Grill for a while so you may have heard about them. They whip up schmancy dinners using locally grown ingredients. No small challenge considering their location in dusty, dry, non-agricultural location. We had a breakfast and a dinner there, and liked it so much, we bought the teapot. Best potato pancakes ever. Best black pepper biscuits ever.

And now to the ultimate culinary find of our jaunt. The nearest major airport is in Las Vegas, so we decided to give the In-N-Out burger chain a shot to and from the runway. We hadn't heard much about the quality of the food, but we were intrigued by the not-so-secret menu where you can theoretically order a burger with 8 patties and 16 slices of cheese. We didn't, but the burgers taste like burgers should taste. Beefy. And the french fries are made with potatoes. We witnessed a giant russet go from potato to golden fry in 60 seconds. Why anyone puts up with McDonald's and the rest of the un-fresh faux-food is a mystery. This stuff is good and not as unhealthy as you would think. And, like Zion Pizza & Noodle, the kids who worked there seemed to get a kick out of their jobs. So, if you're in SoCal or CenCal or SoNev or AllAriz, place your order and enjoy how the classic American fast food meal should be.

Mr. Geology Answers Letters From His Readers

Mr. Geology, we've received several letters from readers since your last visit. Would you mind taking some time from your busy schedule to answer their questions?

Not at all. I always enjoy interacting with my fans.

Dear Mr. Geology,
How can I determine the UTM zone of a digital orthophoto quadrangle?
Sincerely,
Unclear In Utah

I believe you have me confused with someone else.

Dear Mr. Geology,
How does a waterfall form?
Sincerely,
Querying In Quebec

Ah, now we've got it. The waterfall is one of geology's most amazing specimens. Duoxygenated hydrogen molecules traveling at the speed of light are channeled through a flowal system (sometimes referred to as a 'crick' or 'river') that approaches a stagtationary verticalizationary suspendiary zone (or a 'cliff' or 'edge). The molecules then de-constitute themselves during the dropization zonal area -- this is what you call a 'waterfall'. The true wonder of this can be found at the bottom of the dropitertiary zoning area where the molecules literally reconstitute themselves to again form a flowagation apparatus (or 'stream').

Dear Mr. Geology,
Is the earth a magnet?
Sincerely,
Attracted In Albuquerque

No, magnets are horseshoe shaped and are partially or mostly painted red. The earth is spheroid and blue.

Where Are All The Moquis?

Kerry Will Not Have To Change Her First Name

The long search for some piece of souvenir junk emblazoned with K's name has finally ended. We found this Mexican handicraft at the Conoco/Phillips station in Escalante. They also had 'KARI' and 'CARRIE'.

Practice Makes Even More Perfecter

Nothing whets the appetite like a round of Cracker Barrel Frustration Triangle Golf Tee. Here, K hones her skill. She remains, to this day, the only person to have cleared the triangle of all the pegs.

CLARIFICATION: We did not sink to dining at a Cracker Barrel on this trip. To support our case, here are a selection of condiments on the same table as pictured above.

A Visit From Mr. Geology

Hello, again, Mr. Geology. Thanks for making the long trek to southern Utah.

I wouldn't miss an opportunity to educate the American people.

First, what is the predominant land feature of this part of the world?

Southern Utah is covered in a thick layer of frictionalized supercompressed stonal firms -- in the words of the layperson, 'rocks'. Tremendous forces, including, but not limited to, hydromotion, breezification, and erosionation, have acted upon this 'rock' to create the forms you see before you.

But, these shapes and colors are beyond anything I can comprehend! Just how did it happen?

Let's use the canyon you see here as an example. Perhaps hundreds of years ago, massive downward pressure from precipitationary bihydrogen-oxygen in flowal directionization splitified the stonal firms, or canyonized the landscape. To put this in perspective, stick your finger in a newly opened jar of peanut butter while jumping off a chair.

Okay, so how did that tree grow there?

I'm a geologist, not a botanist.

Vote For Your Favorite Caption

Please use the comment area to vote for your favorite caption:

"Hurry up! I'm petrifying!"

"Can you tell me how to get down from here?"

"I'm standing on the world's largest dinner rolls!"

Art Majors Need Not Apply

The Bureau of Land Management is not looking for anyone with the ability to draw. Apparently this is exactly what they wanted when needing to illustrate a human being trapped in a pool of water.

Nature's Lost And Found

"My right hand doesn't really need a a glove today."

"Nor does my left foot need a sock."

The Great American Bench Tour 2008

B had a jingle for this ongoing event where K sits on every bench for a short time, but he has now forgotten it because of that brain-melting Kid Rock song.

Here's one that didn't make the cut. She has yet to explain why.

With Bird-Like Grace

Here at Kodachrome Basin K is doing her best impression of an anhinga despite the fact that this has nothing to with where we're at.

Y-E-E-E-E-E H-A-A-A-A-A ! ! !

Holy cows! That's a real live cattle drive headin' down Utah 12 just west a' Escalante!

Neither of us had witnessed this event before, and we slowly followed the herd down the highway for about 45 minutes until the cows were rustled up into their holding pen. The next night we ate big steaks for dinner. The circle of life continues.

The Shape Of Business

If only more businesses built their shops in the shape of their primary ware, the conveniences of modern travel would be enhanced by no longer having to read.

In this case, the proprietor is selling rocks. Not strawberry sundaes.

Why Can't We Get Any Radio Stations Out Here?

U-PICK GLOW SKULLS TURN RIGHT

We took a short detour to a renowned local orchard, but to our dismay, we found it to be h-a-u-n-t-e-d by the ghost of Al Jolson.

Joined In Love, Separated By A River

The mighty Escalante Bridge (actually an arch) towers over its namesake river. We forded it ten times to get to this viewpoint.

The water was cold enough to temporarily shrink the size of B's ring finger. And here's the spot during crossing number six where his wedding ring flew off. We waited long enough for the sand to settle, and our marriage was saved.

Warning! Warning Signs Ahead!

Polygamy Central, USA

Here's our vain attempt to recreate the cover of John Krakauer's Under The Banner of Heaven, the book B is reading on our honeymoon. The burg pictured is Colorado City, Arizona and is famous for being the the unofficial capital of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, the world's leading practitioners of polygamy.

The houses in Colorado City are oddly large -- not the kind of houses that wealthy people would build, but the kind cobbled together by families that need a lot of living space.

Tourists aren't exactly welcomed there as the testy honk from a minivan of identically attired women can attest. However, you can stop in at the Meadowayne Dairy Store and pick up a variety of really tasty cheeses made from raw (unpasteurized) milk. The girls working at the store were perfectly friendly to us despite our surreptitious gawking at their extremely modest dresses over jeans.
The two employees did have a vague resemblance to each other. Estimates are that half of the residents are descendants of either of the town's two founding fathers. Warren Jeffs was the leader until his exodus to Texas and his ensuing arrest. Who's in charge now is a mystery, but it's clear that polygamy lives on.